With valentines literally around the corner, there’s no way I couldn’t drop a #RelationshipRambles.. and today we’re going to unpack lessons we (well, I) have learnt from lost lovers.
Now I know the title is super dramatic (but to be honest so am I lmao). These ‘lovers’ are not lost, they’re on Instagram somewhere being great with their lavender and that’s great – but this isn’t about them. Reality is, we only experience people, we don’t get to keep them. But what we do keep, are the memories, pictures (well not me, but you guys can do what you wish) and most importantly, the lessons. Everyone we have experiences with teaches us something, whether we wanted to learn it or not.
Before I get into my lost lovers lessons, a small public service announcement. Please please please – stop stalking your ex on your burner page you think we don’t know about. Stop hurting your own feelings.
At my small age, I really don’t have many ‘lost lovers’ but I am the situationship queen, so I will definitely throw a few of those in here too (p.s. this is in no order). Hopefully, you can learn from my lessons without having to experience the pain and most importantly, hopefully you can begin to see the good in the bad.
Lesson One – Admit When You’re Wrong
He always used to tell me that I can’t be wrong and strong. and to be honest, when I used to hear this, I never really took it in. I always wondered to myself ‘what is he even talking about’, but boy do I get it now. In simple terms, he wanted me to accept when I was wrong and apologise. And being the stubborn one I am, I was NOT trying to hear that.
Older now, I realise the importance of being able to say you were wrong. In fact, it is very toxic to think you can never be wrong. We’re too big and grown to be refusing to take responsibility when we know we’re in the wrong. It’s okay to be wrong, it happens to all of us, but don’t dwell there. When arguing/disagreeing take a moment to think ‘hmm, am I wrong here?’ then act accordingly.
Lesson Two – Actions Over Words
I know I’m not the only one who has been sold dream after dream and been told pretty thing after pretty thing. We need to stop lettings words of affirmations swindle us into believing that people will do what they say, when they say they will all the time. People firstly, suck at sticking to their own deadlines (it’s me, I’m people in this case lol) and often say things they have no intention of bringing to fruition. It’s time to start taking it for what it is – just words. Someone who wants to, will – it’s as simple as that.
Now, we need to pay attention to their actions and let that be the basis we make decisions from. We’ve all heard the quote ‘the wheel that squeaks gets the oil’ and that’s what you can do in situations like this. Start holding people accountable to what they say they’re going to do – and likewise, hold yourself accountable to doing what you say you’re going to do.
Lesson Three – Stop Falling in Love with Potential
See this lesson? Whew, this one is personal because it is my biggest downfall. Often, we fall in love for the idea of someone we create in our heads, or sometimes the idea they put in our heads. Abeg, STOP. It’s enough – take things for what they are! It’s great that you can see how great someone can become… It’s even greater that you’re able to help them get there. however, that’s not where they are now and if you can’t accept someone as they are now, why are you with them?
Don’t get me wrong, potential is not a bad thing. It’s good to see someone and be able to see how far they can go and even help them to get there. BUT, don’t project your wants for someone onto them. Take and accept your partner at face value and be okay with the process, wherever it may take you.
Lesson Four – You Can’t Force It
You can be ready, emotionally available, full of self love, have money in abundance and still not be what somebody wants or needs at the moment. And that’s okay – but it’s annoying when it’s going right, and the timing seems right and everything is going well, then it dies and then you’re like ‘???’. While ghosting sucks, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt (from you, I know you reading this), is that you can’t force things and what’s for you will be yours when the time is right.
I hope my lost lovers lessons teach you something, or better yet allow you to reflect on your own ‘lost lovers’ experiences. Nevertheless, you be great with your lavender and have an amazing Valentines Day.
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”
Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)