“How long are you going to let the pain from your last relationship stop you from being happy in another one?”
These last few weeks I’ve been reflecting on my past relationships, thinking about what went wrong and most importantly how it’s made me feel. You see as adults we’ve all experienced some kind of emotional pain. And it hurts. However, it’s what you do with that hurt that is more important than the hurt itself.
You see, blaming others for our hurt is what people often begin doing. Someone did you wrong or hurt you in a way that mattered and you want them to be accountable. You want them to apologise and acknowledge that what they did was wrong.
Yet blaming someone else for your hurt can often backfire and it can often leave you powerless. Now nobody is saying you’re wrong for feeling how you do. You’re allowed to feel hurt, but then you must move on. If you forever hold onto the pain that you feel it will definitely hurt you more than it hurts the other person.
Holding onto the pain you feel can cause you to relive it over and over in your head. Wouldn’t you prefer to live life without the burden of the hurt that you carry around, while you wait for the “closure” and apology you think you deserve? Letting go of past hurt can give you more space for genuine joy and happiness and trust me you’ll feel much better when you stop carrying that feeling of hurt around.
So how do you let go of that hurt? Here are four ways that I have found incredibly helpful..
1. Let It Go
If you sit and ponder on the situation over and over again, I can definitely tell you now that it won’t make it feel any better. Stop replaying the scenarios over in your head and accept that you have a choice to let it go. You can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick and making the decision to let the hurt go is the first step to feeling somewhat better.
2. Express Your Pain
Now nothing hurts more than someone hurting you, and you having no way to let them know how they made you feel. But the sooner you remember that they don’t owe you anything is the sooner you can let the hurt go. Understandably, you need to get how you’re feeling out. So, write a letter (that you’ll never send), or vent to a friend. Express the hurt that the person made you feel, which ultimately helps you understand what you’re hurt about.
3. Stop Being The Victim
I know all too well how it feels to play the victim and honestly it’s not something to be proud of. Yes, it makes you feel like you’re special and that your feelings matter but it doesn’t mean that your feeling are more important and that nothing else matters. We all have the choice, to either continuously feel bad about the situation or take responsibility for our own happiness. You can’t allow someone to control your happiness, and why would you even allow someone who hurt you in the past the continue to have such power over you?
Remember in my first blog I said forgiveness is freedom? It truly is. Forgiving isn’t a sign of weakness or saying that you agree with what the person did. Instead it is a way of letting things go.
You must also forgive yourself. Often in break ups we blame ourselves for why things didn’t go to plan or for the reason we’re hurting. Understandably you may have played a part in the hurt you’re feeling, but if you can’t forgive yourself, how can you expect to be happy?
Ultimately, you should never let your life be defined by pain. Not only does it cause stress and hinders your ability to focus on things, its not healthy. Allowing past pain to remain on your mind and your heart can negatively affect other relationships you may have.
Everyday you allow that pain to be a focus, is another day someone else in your life has to live with your decision.
“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, you can either run from it or learn from it.” – The Lion King
I hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me..